I've decided to introduce a further element of anonymity to my blog and will start calling my daughter Peaches. It's what we call her sometimes anyway, but in the hope that I keep blogging for a long while to come, I think it will be a good thing for her if I keep her name off the internet.
After all, if Recaro and I have blog names... so can she.
That's all an aside. What I really want to post about is how my heart is aching right now. It started on Sunday afternoon when I started thinking about work the next day. And then thinking about dropping Ellie off at her fabulous childminder's.
I've been back at work for almost one year, but it's finally happening. It's becoming very difficult to think about leaving her. I'm just loving all my time with her. Even when she stamps her little feet and rages for not being allowed to do exactly as she wants. Even when she spills milk on the sofa. Even when she ignores me because she'd prefer to watch Lazytown.
If this feeling continues, what am I going to do? It'll mean days of examining our finances, realising we can't really have me not working. Maybe I'd have to think about negotiating doing less paid work... And the fear that work won't or can't be that flexible.
What if I gave up work and then regretted it? It'd be really hard to get a new London job. Local work doesn't pay so well. Which other company out there is going to be so flexible?
Recaro asked me how I felt about my work/life/mum balance recently. I made all sorts of reassuring noises to him so that he wouldn't feel under pressure. And now I feel under pressure. What a mistake that was.
Of course writing about this is cathartic. The notion is dawning on me that I could be feeling a pang of envy for my neighbour who is about to have a baby and go on.... maternity leave. Glory days. Every day spent just doing what made me and my baby happy. Plus work was in the background and continuing to pay some of the bills.
Maybe I'll always want what I can't have. Mind you - I was blissfully happy on maternity leave - nowhere else had greener grass at that time.